By John Touchstone

On my way home one day, I stopped at the local mall food court and went to KFC for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet are a $100 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $100 bill.

Me: Hi, I would like one triple crunch sandwich please.
Server: That will be $1.07. Eat in?

Me: No, it's to go. At this point, I open my wallet and hand him the $2 bill.
He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?
Manager: No. A what?
Server: A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.
Manager: Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.
Server: Yeah, thought so.

He comes back to me and says we don't take these. Do you have anything else?

Me: Just this $100. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Server: I don't know.
Me: See here where it says legal tender?
Server: Yeah.
Me: So, why won't you take it?
Server: Well, hang on a sec.

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter and says to him, He says I have to take it.

Manager: Doesn't he have anything else?
Server: Yeah, a $100. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: I'm not opening the safe with him in here.
Server: What should I do?
Manager: Tell him to come back later when he has real money
Server: I can't tell him that! You tell him.
Manager: Just tell him.
Server: No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.

Me: It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.
Manager: We don't take those, either.
Me: Why not?
Manager: I think you know why.
Me: No really, tell me why.
Manager: Please leave before I call mall security.
Me: Excuse me?
Manager: Please leave before I call mall security.
Me: What on earth for?
Manager: Please, sir.
Me: Uh, go ahead, call them.
Manager: Would you please just leave?
Me: No.
Manager: Fine have it your way then.
Me: Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 50-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: Yeah, Dave, what's up?
Manager (whispering): This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.
Guard: No kidding! What?
Manager: Get this, a two dollar bill.
Guard (incredulous): Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?
Manager: I don't know. He's kind of weird. He says the only other thing he has is a $100

Guard: Oh, so the $100 is a fake!
Manager: No, the two dollar bill is.
Guard: Why would he fake a two dollar bill?
Manager: I don't know! Can you talk to him and get him out of here?
Guard: Yeah.

Security Guard walks over to me

Guard: Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.
Me: Uh no.
Guard: Let me see them.
Me: Why?
Guard: Do you want me to get the cops in here?

At this point I am ready to say, Sure, please! But I want to eat, so
I say, I'm just trying to buy a triple crunch sandwich and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, Hey, Dave, what's wrong with this bill?

Manager: It's fake.
Guard: It doesn't look like a fake to me.
Manager: But it's a two dollar bill.
Guard: Yeah?
Manager: Well, there's no such thing, is there?

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my Tripe crunch sandwich was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those apple pies too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people,
I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!

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