When my Mother died 28 years ago, all I wanted to do was come home from the cemetery, climb into bed under my "blankie," cover my face with the pillow, and never come out. I didn't want to see anyone or be with anyone. My Mama had just died, and as far as I was concerned, my life was over. I only wanted to be alone.

Most grievers are like that, they only want to be left alone. But that never helps, it only makes it worse. At such a time of pain, we need to be in a community, we need to be supported by others, fed by others, enveloped by others. It's okay to lean on our friends, that's what they are there for. We would do the same thing for them, but somehow we feel as if life has stopped, and we don't want anyone to come too close to us.

It is our community which helps us heal, and without the community, healing is much more difficult. That is why group therapy works so well, because through the sharing of pain will eventually come the sharing of strength. When there is no community, the individual loses his/her extended family. In this week's US News and World Report article about the future of New Orleans, the lack of a community is noted and mourned: "What makes this a catastrophe isn't just the loss of physical structures," says Louisiana State University sociologist Jeanne Hurlbert. "It's the phenomenal destruction of networks, the enormous loss of emotional and social support." In New Orleans, family ties are "what helped people hold down jobs and keep their kids safe,” says Hurlbert. For many now, that support is gone.

Being alone after a loss only makes the pain worse, but being supported by a community can only help.